A Day in the Life – on Chemo Steroids

Wanna know what being on chemo steroids is like?

It’s 3am. You’re wired from insomnia, in excruciating back pain, full-on sweating.

Then you…

Read an entire novel.

Take Pepcid so you don’t die of heartburn the second you eat something.

Grind through a work project that would typically take 4 hours in approx. 55min.

Create an itinerary for your friend’s upcoming bachelorette party.

Eat 500 white chocolate cookies from Subway.

Send some emails.

Immediately regret emails.

Eat a pickle.

Edit the grammar of old Tweets.

Eat a banana.

Apply heat pack to back.

Scarf down a huge breakfast.

Write a review of the book you read earlier.

Get lost in a Pinterest rabbit hole of delicious-looking food recipes.

Eat carrot cake.

Work on 35 more work tasks simultaneously.

Reapply heat pack to back.

Glance at clock and realize it’s only 8am.

Online shop.

Overthink every single word spoken and typed all day.

Plan outings for the weekend then talk yourself out of them.

Google pain symptoms for the millionth time, as if anything has changed.

Text everyone in contact list to say “hi”.

Eat chips and guac.

Daydream about having a hot-tub to sooth back pain.

Text cousin with hot-tub.

Apply heat pack to back.

Brainstorm gift ideas for someone’s who’s birthday isn’t for another 6 months.

Scroll TikTok.

Eyeroll for 5 minutes at the video you found that says going to the LACMA lanterns is “cheugy”.

Eat Cheetos dipped in Del Taco hot sauce.

Open phone to do something and immediately forget what you were in the middle of doing.

Update bucket list.

Yell at your oh so sweet and extremely helpful mum for no reason.

Change Spotify playlist for the 100th time.

Start planning a random dinner party.

Meticulously read through a work email to ensure you understand exactly what it says.

Worry you possibly read emails wrong in the past.

Eat mashed potatoes.

Deep dive Yelp for future restaurant reservation ideas.

Map out closest thrift shops.

Massage swollen face.

Clean out inbox.

Scour internet for specific tube top.

Try to start a series on HBO but don’t follow through because you are having a hard time focusing.

Start a new book. But stop because of same focusing issue.

Attempt to quiet your mind from reliving horrible moments from the last year.

Browse Goodreads to update book list.

Google ways to reduce swelling from salt consumption.

Design a graphic for a friend’s new business.

Knead sore calves.

Remove all clothes because fabric hurts to touch.

Research online classes to learn new skills.

Reapply heat pack to back.

Google anxiety coping mechanisms.

Decorate dream home in your mind.

Cry in discomfort and extreme hot flashes.

Make notes in phone to remember how and when these damn steroids affect you.

Stress about weight gain from all the crap you ate today.

Giggle at cancer satire insta account that perfectly sums up your situation.

Reapply heat pack.

Eat chips.

Force yourself to realize this is all temporary, will pass in a day or two, you’ve been through so much worse & YOU CAN DO HARD THINGS.

All while laying flat on your back in bed because ow.

*slightly exaggerated for emphasis…but not really.

I write notes on the tops of pill bottles to easily grab them. My steroid is Dexamethasone.

“Who We Are” – Tyrone Wells

I’ve mentioned before that Tyrone Wells is my favorite singer/songwriter. I’ve been to tons of his live shows, his music always touches my heart and played a small part in helping me get out of a toxic relationship (read more here.) Today he released a new single called Who We Are and you should run, not walk to go listen to it.

I was alone in the hospital, just days after I was diagnosed last year, and Tyrone hosted a live performance on his instagram which was so perfectly timed with what was going on in my life. So I reached out to him on insta and thanked him. From there he would occasionally check in and see how I was doing and started following my cancer journey. (Side note: I know some people have a problem with the word “journey” when talking about their cancer experience but I think it’s pretty accurate and don’t hate it at all). Anywhooo back to my story- earlier this year Tyrone asked for my email to send an unreleased song and holy moly what a thoughtful gift. I immediately burst into tears because every bit of that song spoke to my soul. He said if I liked the song, it could be a sort of an anthem and he was 100% correct. I thanked him for thinking of me and said how it completely resonates with my life but it’ll touch so many people as well. He said I was the first person outside his work crew and family to hear it. Wow how special. This whole cancer thing really sucks but there have been some really beautiful moments to come out of it and this was one of them.

I told all my closest friends to listen to the song today and they all wrote me back saying they got chills.

The bridge goes “I will turn the pain into tears of gold, I’m not caving in, I’m not letting go. When I hear them say, that it can’t be done, I’m not laying down, I will overcome.”

You have to hear it because the whole song is powerful.

Last week, I was flying from Oahu to Maui which is a 40 min flight in a 12 passenger plane and I kid you not, I listened to this song on repeat the whole ride. It was really hard to keep the tears from falling down my face in that tiny airplane. I was also on Decadron which makes me super emo… I was so moved that he shared it with me and thought about me and my journey. I also thought about all I have been through this past year. The months in the hospital alone, the night in the ICU where I almost died, the pain, the nausea, the anxiety, the sleepless nights, learning how to walk again, the isolation, and everything in between. I still have bruises on my stomach from shots I got over six months ago. I see them every day and it’s a reminder of where I’ve been and how far I’ve come. I was also flying from a weekend with one of my college roomates on Oahu (which is such a special place to me- where I went to college and had the time of my life) to Maui for my nephews 10th birthday party with the rest of my family. I am beyond grateful I survived this past year and get to celebrate these unfortettable moments.

view from the puddle jumper

I didn’t share much of the absolute worst days with ya’ll because 1. I was so stinking sick and 2. I didn’t want to scare you with horrible details. But know that it sucked. You can’t control what happens to you but you can control how you react and I chose and am choosing to smile through the pain and always seek the good in every situation. Plus, this whole experience has made me stronger and I can only image who I will be after I’m done with all of this. Speaking of, even though it’s more than a year away, I am planning an epic end of treatment bash where maybe I can convince Tyrone Wells to perform this song… lol dream big, right?

K now go listen.

“I believe, yes I believe it. I can see, yes I can see it. Though I’m not there yet, I lift up my head. I believe, yes I believe it. I can see, yes I can see it. Every bruise and every scar makes us who we are.

A Picture-Perfect Pinch Me Picnic

As of Tuesday, I have been fighting cancer for ONE WHOLE YEAR.

I wanted to do something special as a thank you for the girls that have been my San Diego fam through this insane year.  They’re the ones that made signs and waved at me from a bridge outside my hospital room when they weren’t allowed in due to Covid, organized video messages when I was feeling down, brought me dinners, constantly checked in, and did more for my morale than they even know possible. I am forever grateful. So as a small token of my appreciation I hosted a sunset picnic at one of our local neighborhood viewpoints overlooking the ocean.

First of all, I love hosting and planning events, and this gave me something to dive my energy into besides work lately. There are tiny details, if you look closely, that I tried to put a lot of love into. I arranged the flowers myself (and then all my girls brought me bouquets of flowers themselves as a gift – they know me so well), stuck to a color scheme (pink is my current color obsession), designed “thank you” cards along with handwritten geode name tags for everyone’s table setting, bought an insane assortment of snacks for grazing boards (+ pizza duh), curated a playlist that included songs that reminded me of each of my guests from a specific memory with them, and had a cheeky “F Cancer” sign to remind us what we’ve been through. To top it all off Amelia made the most gorgeous candy platter of my dreams.

We laughed, cried, hugged (for the first time in a YEAR), ate way too much, watched the sunset, and had the sweetest evening with the best friends a girl could hope for.  

*I wish I had taken more photos but honestly, we were enjoying each other’s company that we forgot to.

*Shout out to my BFF Amelia. She’s v preggo and I’m still pretty wobbly/fatigued, and we set up this whole thing just the two of us.  

How lucky am I that I get to call these girls my friends? Pinch me.

You bet your butt I’ll be throwing a blowout party when my treatment officially ends that EVERYONE will be invited to… but we still have over a year before that happens so stay tuned. 

alohaaa

Young Adult Cancer Awareness

This week is AYA (Adolescent & Young Adult) Cancer Awareness Week. Yes, I qualify as a young adult (I googled it).

I was just one of 89,500 AYAs (in the US) diagnosed with cancer last year.

AYAs are the most underserved cancer population by age. I sit in a chemo chair surrounded by patients 20-30 years older than me. And I’ve been involved with childhood cancer orgs/programs for my whole life – where there are tons of resources.

The goal of this week is to raise awareness about how hard it can be for young adults under 40 to deal with cancer while trying to keep up with their lives. The hope is to educate on the unique challenges AYAs face and show what their community can do to support them.

One of the cancer accounts I follow, Stupid Cancer, posted on their instagram a series of challenges AYAs deal with and each slide resonated with my experience.


Luckily in my case I was diagnosed in my thirties so I’ve finished school and started a career but I do not have a significant other. Dating during cancer treatment is hard enough but throw a worldwide pandemic into the mix and ya girl has never felt more single.

I don’t feel like myself, with all my ailments, but also I don’t look like myself. So it’s hard to imagine getting to know someone else when I feel so off. I know I’m still me but I want to be the best version of me when I’m possibly meeting my person. But also, I just want to have fun with my girls when this pandemic ends… so who cares anyway? lol


I’ve always been super independent. I haven’t lived with my parents since I was in high school so having them move to California to help take care of me was an adjustment.

I don’t really know how I would have survived this last year with out them upstairs to help. There were so many things that I normally would easily do for myself but all of the sudden couldn’t handle. I couldn’t do my own laundry, cook meals, grocery shop, drive to appointments, clean, walk up stairs, clip my finger nails, open bottles, pick up items, reach for things… the list goes on.

I mean not so long ago I was so weak that I couldn’t even button my jeans.


I was diagnosed at the beginning of the pandemic last year. Not being able to have visitors in the hospital with me for the months I was there alone was bad enough. But I also have to go to the clinic and all doctor’s appointments by myself and haven’t been able to go to friends houses or have visitors in my home. I’ve never spent so much time alone in my life.

Thank goodness for technology but I crave social interactions. I miss my friends.

I constantly talk with my friends about how it’s a silver lining that I did the rough part of my treatment during the pandemic so I didn’t miss out on too much. But I still have FOMO from the few little adventures that I am unable to do. Just a couple more weeks until I’m fully vaccinated!


Holy moly the scanxiety is real. I imagine this won’t ever get easier. I’ll live with this the rest of my life.

When I can’t sleep I google statistics about relapses and then my mind races and I just have to remind myself that I can’t even go there. I just have to manifest that I’ll only have to fight cancer this one time.

Sometimes I think about my brother who died from ALL but then I also think of my friend Natalie who had the same diagnosis when she was a kiddo and is doing great.

Deep breaths and happy thoughts…


This is one of the first things I thought of when I was diagnosed becuase many of my cancer survivor friends have had a difficult time with fertility along with the fact that I’m over 30 and do not have a husband or kids but do have a ticking biological clock.

I am currently in chemical menopause, in an attempt to save some of my eggs. Heyooo hot flashes. But I’m still in treatment until I’m 33 and there’s no guarantee I’m going to meet someone anytime soon. I’ll most likely freeze my eggs, if there are any left. TMI? I just know that I would very much like to be a mother.

I know it’ll all work out one way or another but this is a topic that’s often in the back of my mind.


Thank goodness I have great health insurance but I still have so many medical expenses that aren’t covered. I would much rather be spending that money on anything else. There are still a bunch of pending charges on my account that are like your insurance paid 90% of this bill but you owe $10,000 and I just have to wait and see if I’m actually charged that.

One day I was looking up on my account how much my first month in the hospital cost and it was $600,000.00. Let me say it again – six hundred thousand dollars. For one month! What do people who don’t have insurance do? That is not ok.


I read a comment on the instagram post that was from a young man saying he was diagnosed with ALL (which is my diagnosis) at 35 and was out of work for 3 years and I just thought how lucky am I that the longest I was out of work was for 6 weeks. I’m so grateful that I can work from home and feel well enough (most days) to do so. It’s actually given me something to do that makes me feel productive and helps pass the time. I can’t wait to actually get back to the office to be able to work in person. Again, I miss that human interaction. I’m sure a lot of people do.


I am not a part of any support group and haven’t participated in any cancer events, mostly due to the pandemic but also I’m just not aware of many for my age group/diagnosis. My clinic/cancer/hospital experience isn’t like a movie where I meet my soulmate or bff in the clinic… my empath soul just gets pretty sad waiting amongst the older patients, I wear my headphones so I don’t have to hear the old men snoring and try to make friends with the nurses because they’re the only ones around my age.

After the pandemic, my friend Lizzy and I plan to volunteer with a cancer organization. Everything’s on hold at the moment so we’ll have to do some research to find the right one when we’re able to. I’ll keep ya’ll posted.

For more info and/or resources on AYA Cancer Awareness visit the Stupid Cancer website.

Th-th-that’s all, folks.

A Bone Marrow Biopsy, Palm Springs & Pie

I woke up exhausted today. I haven’t been sleeping very well. A stranger on Instagram said she’s had the same problem and it might be because of the full moon last night. idk. I had a day jam packed with meetings for work and now I’m even more exhausted. Also, I have weird anxiety from social media crap that doesn’t even have to do with me or my life. Is that the full moon too? It’s also an empath problem. I’ve always had some sort of anxiety but since I was diagnosed with cancer during a pandemic I feel it differently. So fun, she said facetiously.

I had a bone marrow biopsy a couple weeks ago. I was super anxious about it because my last one was traumatic, but it went better than I expected. It was the same nurse practitioner that does my lumbar punctures so that helped because we’re homies. It was way quicker than my last one and only one part hurt really bad. I was sore for a long time afterwards though. It’s been a few weeks and it still feels a little tender. My results came back clear which means that the chemo is working and there’s no sign of cancer! Even though I’m on a break from chemo, I still had to get a blood transfusion when my counts were too low, and an infusion the infectious disease doctor said I needed to insure the cdiff doesn’t come back, since I’ve had it twice in the hospital now.

another day another blood transfusion

I feel so good these days. It’s insane how just a few weeks off of chemo can really make a difference in my body. I am walking like a pro. I don’t even use my walker or walking sticks anymore! I still waddle like a drunk toddler sometimes but hey, baby steps. Pun intended.

I’ve had a couple outings which have been delightful. My doctor said that since my counts are rising I’m less immunocompromised which means I can leave my bubble a bit. I still have to be extra cautious until I’m vaccinated, which will hopefully be soon.

My parents, Coco and I went to Palm Springs for the weekend a couple weeks ago to see my aunt and uncle and one of my best friends that was in town. It was so nice to leave my house, sit in the sun and socialize with one of my bffs. As my health is increasing I also need to boost my mental health and this weekend did just the trick. And last weekend I went up to see Amelia in her back yard. Again, just a couple hours in the sun with people I’ve missed so much means the world to me after the year I’ve had.

Palm Springs
Amelia’a backyard & chickens

Yesterday my mum wanted to check out Julian, a little town in the mountains known for their pie. We were not prepared for how freaking cold it was. Mum told us the temp before we left but didn’t take into account the wind factor. My dad was in shorts and slippers lol. So we drove all the way up there, got some pie and drove home. The pie was bomb though. We’ll go back when it’s warmer, and when I can drink wine again because there are a bunch of wineries on the way up.

so ono

Sorry this post was all over the place. I just wanted to send out a quick update since it had been a while. To summarize: Cancer’s gone. Still in treatment for a long time. But feeling good.

k bye

*please excuse any typos, I’m too tired to check Grammarly

World Cancer Day

Today is #worldcancerday. Even though my life has always been touched by cancer in some way – my brother died of cancer before I was born, growing up I volunteered at various cancer organizations, I traveled to DC to advocate for cancer research funding, I interned at the Ronald McDonald House in college, and I worked for a childhood cancer foundation for almost 5 years – I now have a completely different perspective of this dreadful disease.

This past year has been the hardest in my life. I’ve never felt so low, so sick, so helpless. I always knew the kiddos I worked with were strong but I understand on a whole new level now.

I guess this day is to help spread awareness but I’m pretty sure everyone’s very aware. I bet every person on earth has somebody in their life that has been affected by cancer. Which is why it’s important to do what we can to prevent, detect earlier and treat cancer successfully.

Some ways you can help is by making a donation to a reputable nonprofit, volunteering your time, donating blood, or sending your favorite bald mermaid funny memes to get through the tough times.

This year has been a rollercoaster ride (lots of ups and downs and vomiting) and I couldn’t have gotten through it without all your support, encouraging words, prayers and aloha. Thank you.

The Cure is Trying to Kill Me

I think I jinxed myself by wearing this shirt.

nawt.

I started feeling lousy on Christmas. I had a lovely brunch with my parents and we watched Christmas movies and then I went to bed for the next two days because I felt like crap. I got a blood transfusion on Sunday which usually makes me feel better. But the following days I still felt like crap. I just figured I needed another blood transfusion and I go into my appointment on Thursday, which was so hard. I could barely walk to the car. I almost fainted twice that morning. I get to the clinic and they take my temperature and see that I have a fever so they send me to the ER, because my counts were so low. My ANC was at 0.0. I’m admitted to the hospital and they find out I have an infection in my blood and start me on antibiotics. Then my c diff came back and I started to have PTSD from my last visit to the hospital and start to worry that I’ll be stuck there for a month again. My fever wouldn’t go away for days. It’s pretty scary to be in the hospital with several infections and a fever with almost no white blood cells (to fight infections) and super low counts. But the medications started working and my counts started to come up (with the help of daily shots in my belly) and I’m out of there in a little over a week. Thank goodness. That was not how I wanted to start my new year but whatever.

sunrise from my hospital bed

The pharmacy called me before I was discharged and they’re like one of your medications is a bit pricey and I’m like oh yea that’s because it’s a new year and I haven’t met the deductible yet so I’ll just pay for it. The cost was $2400. For 12 pills. That is just INSANE. What do people who don’t have insurance do? Die?!

I’m behind on my chemo schedule since the little hospital visit set us back a bit. I’m starting up again on Thursday and will just have 2-3 more weeks left before I can move to maintenance. I’m looking forward to finishing but not looking forward to feeling like crap until then. It’s crazy how the cure and treatment can be almost worse than the cancer. Someone needs to find a better way to fight this crap. Cancer sucks. But so does chemo.

My set #WFH set up in the clinic

Sometimes I spend all day at the clinic. This day I had labs, a blood transfusion, two chemo infusions and a shot in my booty. Luckily I had a big project at work so I put all my energy into that instead of focusing on the fact that I was in the clinic for like 10 hours. My AirPods died towards the end which was a big bummer. I really need to start bringing a charger with me everywhere. I don’t know how I haven’t learned that lesson yet. I am so not going to miss long days like that.

My hair does not look like the picture above. It’s falling out like crazy but I look so funny. It’s like an old man with a receding hairline because the front is falling out but the sides are still pretty long. I look like George Costanza from Seinfeld. I think it’s time to buzz the rest off.

This sweet nugget was so happy to see me when I got home from the hospital. She laid on top of me for like 20 minutes as if to say you’re never leaving ever again.

Wish me luck as I finish off this never-ending trying-to-kill-me round of chemo.

Tootles.

I’m Too Sexy For My Hair

I fell so hard in the clinic the other day. I was walking in and stumbled over my stupid numb toes. I cried out in pain and strangers came running. A little too cocky with my walking skills, I should have been using my walker instead of my walking poles. They put me in a wheelchair, took my vitals and did an incident report. I’m just relieved I didn’t hit my head. My doctor checked me out and everything seemed ok until I got home. Both knees, one ankle and the opposite foot started to hurt. I iced them all evening. I woke up in the middle of the night to use the restroom and I couldn’t put any weight on my foot. I sat and cried because I didn’t know what to do. I already have a hard enough time getting around. Luckily with the aid of some pain killers, towards the end of the day I started feeling better and was able to walk again.

you can see some bruises on my legs from my fall… but how cute is my sweet support doggo?

LOTS of chemo this week. On top of IVs, tummy shots and a lumbar puncture, I started a new chemo pill. The pharmacist said to not let anyone else touch the pills, keep them in the bottle (not in a pill box), and to wash my hands after I take them. If it’s that toxic to touch, imagine what it’s doing to my insides. Or don’t, chemo gives me enough anxiety as is – *insert emoji with huge “ahh” eyes.

I haven’t been nauseous yet, thankfully, but I woke up today with a headache and crazy body aches. The mouth sores are back. I’m also having difficulty with my vision. It’s hard to read this page even. I just feel unwell.

I’m on a break from my steroids thank goodness because the lack of sleep, puffiness and constant need to be eating were getting to me. One morning I was craving pizza for breakfast so I made (my mum made) a pizza bagel. Bagels make it breakfast-y. On a scale of 1-10, it was yum-tacular.

we should normalize pizza for breakfast

I look like cancer. A few years ago, when I worked for a kids cancer organization, I was with a group of kiddos at Alcatraz and requested for all of them to ride in the ADA cart to the top (it’s a long walk up a huge hill from the boat) and the attendant looked over at the group and said “all of them?” and I said “yes, we are a kids cancer organization” and he said “well they don’t all look sick” and I wanted to SMACK him. How do you know what “sick” looks like, bro? Don’t worry, I didn’t inflict violence and the kiddos got the ride to the top of “The Rock”. Well I look sick af. I glance in the mirror and I’m like woah. I’m super pale with weird bags under my eyes. My face is v round like a Cabbage Patch Kid. My hair is falling out like crazy. I think I look like Uncle Joey’s woodchuck puppet from Full House. The resemblance is uncanny, ay?

Same Same. *images are from google. please don’t sue me. the images of me are mine. obvi

As I was walking through the clinic the other day I took in all the people around me. I’m one of the younger patients there by far (sometimes I see other young adults but not often). But I just thought how sad it is that, because of covid, we can’t have any guests in the cancer center. If covid wasn’t happening these people would have their significant others, children or friends to help push them in a wheelchair, keep them company in the waiting room (where we spend a lot of time), and hold their hands during treatment. I’m ok going in on my own because I’m an I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T (do you know what that mean) woman but maybe I would feel differently if I had the option. Plus my mum has to spend a lot of time in the clinic’s parking lot.

how beautiful is this tree? mum really nailed it this year

In the wise words of Phoebe Buffay, 

“Happy Christmas Eve Eve”

*Pretend it’s yesterday – I meant to post then but I had a rough lp, almost fainted, went to bed as soon as I got home and didn’t get a chance to hit publish and don’t want to take out my “Friends” reference . mmk thanks.

Tell Your Homies You Love Them

My cancer treatment steroids give me crazy insomnia so I woke up at 3:30 this morning. Instead of the typical online shopping routine for the sake of my bank account, I channeled a wannabe VSCO girl and created this little collage.

If this year has taught me anything, it’s that life is too dang short.

This crap year feels like a blur. I’ve missed out on so much. With a worldwide pandemic happening, most of us feel that way, but with a suppressed immune system from chemotherapy, I’ve especially had to live in a bubble with little to no exposure to other people. Life is still happening around me. Several of my friends are getting engaged, having babies, and celebrating milestones and I could not be happier for them. I wish I could give hugs, jump for joy and just be around them.

My godfather passed away a couple of weeks ago, as if this year couldn’t get any worse. I know he knows how much I loved and admired the incredible man he was and how lucky I felt to be his goddaughter, but I wish I had told him more. I encourage you to share with your loved ones how you feel before you don’t have the chance to. Life can change in an instant.

I could not have gotten through this year without the support of dear friends from all over the world. Simple texts, funny TikToks, snail mail, sweet DMs, flower deliveries, FaceTimes and phone calls have kept me going.

I thank my lucky stars for all the memories and laughs I’ve shared with so many good friends over the years. I know that I’m going to beat this cancer and can’t even let myself think otherwise but I also know I’ve lived a full life thus far and am blessed to have had such beautiful experiences in just 32 short years. But don’t worry, I plan on filling my life with many many more.

Best friends make good times better and hard times easier.

So friends (you know who you are), aloha nui loa. You are everything to me. Life is about connection and relationships and somehow I hit the jackpot with all of you.

ILYSM

Things I’m Looking Forward to Doing Post COVID and Cancer

2020 has been such a strange year for everyone but I think my year has been a tiny bit crazier since I was diagnosed with leukemia. There are so many things that I miss since I’ve had to live in a bubble but instead of focusing on the negative, I’ve decided to make a list of things that I’m looking forward to doing once again.

1. Jumping in the ocean. I asked my doctor the other day if they’ll be taking out my PICC line when I move to the maintenance phase of my treatment and he said yes! Boom Shakalaka – that means I can jump in the ocean soon! And he’s like well you know the ocean is very cold right now. I was like I know but I’m just planning for the future and possibly a trip to Hawaii when it’s safe to travel again. But I don’t think I’ve ever gone this long without swimming in the ocean and this mermaid is craving a magical dip.

my happy place

2. Eating poke. Beacause of my treatment, I’m not allowed to eat raw fish and it’s torture. Every time my mum asks what I want to eat my answer is “poke” and then she says “you can’t have poke” and I say “but that’s what I want”. Anyway, I’ve tried imitation crab “poke bowls” to try and satisfy the hankering but it’s not the same! I want spicy ahi from Tamura’s.

this photo makes my mouth water

3. Dancing. I miss dancing Tahitian and hula so much. I can barely walk up stairs, my muscles are all shot and I have bad neuropathy so I couldn’t even fathom trying to dance right now but I will get stronger and will shake my booty again.

I’ve been following this TikTok famous woman on social who was diagnosed with leukemia a month before me. She’s an incredible mother of 5 young kiddos and has had such a rough cancer journey as well. She’s a dance teacher and has been dancing through her treatments and I’m so inspired by her positivity. But sometimes it makes me sad that I can’t dance like she can. My body just isn’t strong enough at the moment. I have to remind myself of that quote “comparison is the theif of joy” and just believe my body will heal miraculously and I will dance again.

miss my ori sisters too

4. Traveling. This is an obvious one. I’m used to traveling allllllll the time that it’s been so bizarre to just sit at home for months on end day dreaming about different cultures, food, architecture and people. My Pinterest is full of adventures to be had. I’m thinking Paris, Greece, and Prague, or maybe Thailand and Kuala Lumpur or New Zealand. The list goes on and on honestly… I am open to recommendations.

Dublin with my momma a couple years ago

5. Hiking. Like I said above, I can’t even climb stairs without it feeling like Mt. Everest so I can’t wait for my body to be strong enough to just even stroll through nature. I miss trees, fresh air, playing word games with friends on the way up and the views at the top. I also love that I feel closer to God when I hike.

trees make me feel small

6. Going to a Broadway show. When I was 10 years old my mum took me to New York for the first time and we saw Annie Get Your Gun with the incredible Bernadette Peters as Annie Oakley and I FELL IN LOVE with Broadway. My eyes were glued to the stage and I sat in pure wonderment for two hours. It encouraged me to pursue acting and shortly after that trip, I auditioned for a local summer program where we performed Into the Woods. I was cast as just a woodnymph (aka chorus background nobody) but it kicked off a passion for performing and I participated in many musicals for years to come. For my 12th birthday, my parents surprised me with FRONT ROW tickets to see Annie Get Your Gun at the Paramount in Seattle. We were so close the actors were spitting on us and I brought my best friend who’s a redhead and the main actress pointed to her as they took their bows and said there’s the next Annie and winked at us. It was so special.

My mum and I have been watching a lot of cheesy movies on Netflix lately but they’re set in NYC and it makes me want to visit so bad. As soon as I kick this cancer’s butt and covid gets under control, we are booking flights to the Big Apple and are going to as many shows as possible. Starting with Mean Girls.

Lady Liberty in all her glory

7. Visiting museums. I enjoy museums, fun installations, and art pop-ups. I like learning new things and all but one of my favorite things to do in an art museum is rename the pieces. You know like a super old Renaissance painting that should be named “Cardi B’s WAP” or something stupid to spice it up. LOL. I’ve considered curating my own pop-up museum but that sounds like a lot of work. It’s still on my bucket list for when I have more energy and/or win the lottery.

Not sure I quite understand contemporary art but I try

8. Social gatherings. I miss my friends. I want to throw a dinner party. I want to have a glass of wine in a bar. I want to eat chips and salsa at a Mexican restaurant. I want to go to a baseball game. I want to attend a picnic at the beach. I want to dress up and dance the night away at 80s night at the Belly Up. I want to hug my bff.

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I have high hopes for 2021 and just pray that we can all get back to a “normal life” soon. Ok your turn – what are y’all looking forward to doing most?

Shoots den.