When it hasn’t been your day, your week, your month or even your year…
I actually wrote this post a few weeks ago but now I’m reporting from the ER with an ANC of 0.2 and a fever waiting to be admitted to the hospital. As if I thought anything else would happen on the last day of this crap year. But I’ll be darned if I couldn’t post this NYE mood board.
As much as I’m ready to say deuces to 2020, it was still an entire year. One I’d like to forget, most of. But I thought I should honor it by making a list of things that I was actually keen on. There were some. Not many. But some.
I still enjoy my job. I’m actually changing departments this week and I’m super excited to learn a new position but get to keep working with my team, whom I love. It’s been a blessing to be a part of a company that prides itself on customer service, quality and employees wellbeing. I’ve never been more appreciated and supported in a job before. It’s refreshing to be surrounded by positivity, creative collaboration and innovative ideas. I’m just relieved my cancer hasn’t kept me being able to do my job. It helps me feel a little more normal.
My parents moved to the mainland to help take care of me. I don’t know what I’d do without them. It’s weird to be living with my parents in my 30s since I moved out at 18 and have always been super independent, but c’est la vie. They have been lifesavers. They help me with meals, meds and take me to all my appointments but they are also just wonderful to be around, which is good for my mental health. This year could have been even more lonely. It sucks that they don’t get to enjoy their new city because we’re stuck in a bubble. But it is so nice having them here with me.
Coco Puff – that’s a given. Puppy snuggles make everything better.
Social Distant / Long Distant Love. I feel oh so loved. From videos compiled by sweet friends expressing support to front yard hangs to well wishes cards in the mail. I have such a strong support system, which I’ve discovered to be crucial when fighting for my life.
My body is responding well to treatment. It’s been a rough ride, but ultimately the chemo is working. Just pray the cancer stays away as I move on to the maintenance phase and beyond. (Lol again I wrote this a couple weeks ago).
Oh how I wish I was putting on a sparkly dress, popping champane and ringing in the new year with friends. I’d even embrace the insane Uber surges, disappointing midnight kiss, and inevitable bathroom floor hangover that often accompanies the holiday.
2021 will be better. I’m manifesting it. My cancer will be gone. My treatment will be minimal. Covid vaccines will start working. We will be able to take off our masks. I will be able to be around people again. People will start getting their jobs back. The economy will turn around. Kindness will be cool. Joy will return. I’d be down to keep up the cozy WFH wardrobe though.
Good riddance 2020. See ya never. Happy New Year!
* Most images in the collage were found on Pinterest. Some are mine.
We don’t really have seasons in Southern California but it gets dark awfully early these days. I’m excited for the Winter Solstice because that means the sun will start going down later from now on. It is a little chilly too (lol 60s) so I’m digging the cozy mood.
I wouldn’t mind some actual winter. This is the first Christmas I won’t be spending in Hawaii in a loooong time. Since I won’t have a tropical holiday I’m now craving snowy vibes. I thought maybe we could drive up to Big Bear or Idyllwild and rent a cabin but I googled it and apparently, there’s no snow yet. Plus I have to be in the clinic basically every day for the next two weeks getting chemo so I guess I’m staying put. Maybe later in the season, I’ll go seek a winter wonderland. Idk how my numb feet would handle snow anyway.
I whipped up this “winter” inspired mood board with the energy support of a white chocolate mocha – my current obsession (thanks steroids) since I’m still not sleeping much (again, thanks steroids). Speaking of, my Secret Santa at work sent me some white chocolate truffles and I have to pace myself. I’d like to eat them all in one sitting. One family tradition we’re missing this year is a large batch of pizzelles. My mum forgot the pizzelle maker in Hawaii (ugh). If anyone wants to send some my way I wouldn’t object. I’m usually not much of a sweets person but cancer has changed that. These days I’m a hangry sugar-craving monster.
Christmas looks a little different this year. I hope you get to spend it with loved ones (safely) and can still participate in some of your traditions. Mine are garlic shrimp for brunch, a day at the beach and a ride on the Sugar Cane Train. Guess we’ll have to raincheck on the latter two.
We plan to watch Elf on Christmas Eve. It’s our family’s favorite holiday movie. It won’t be the same without my nephew, who knows every word and is the funniest person I know. Maybe we’ll FaceTime that cotton-headed ninny-muggins so he can watch with us.
My world is v small at the moment and my creative outlets are limited due to mobility issues and crazy numb fingers so putting together this mood board was a mini pick-me-up on the (almost – I know it’s tomorrow but I’m impatient) shortest day of the year. Yay for getting a smidgen more daylight from here on out.
Happy Winter Solstice Ya’ll
*None of the photos in the mood board collage are mine. I found all of them on Pinterest.
Right now my face is still puffy and large from the prednisone and my hair is falling out and growing in at the same time so it’s patchy and weird. Needless to say, I’m not looking like myself. I almost get startled every time I look in a mirror.
I’ve been going through photos to print for a gallery wall in my new place and can’t help but feel sad about my hair. I know it’s just hair and it’ll grow back but it was such a part of my identity.
I stumbled on this French Proverb on Pinterest: “Wherever life plants you, bloom with grace”. Life has planted me here, with cancer, isolated from the world because there’s a dangerous pandemic happening and I must bloom with grace. I have to remind myself it’s all temporary. I know that I’ll be a stronger person after going through this, but it’s just hard to see the end in sight. I guess I just have to take it one day at a time.
No rain, no flowers.
I love to wear flowers in my ear and found a bunch of photos to remind myself of my essence. I’m ready to rock the bald and puffy look with the same confidence as when I have mermaid hair and a giant flower in my ear.
Just needed a little flower power reminder in this downpour.
*Just realized I added an extra O in bloom in my image. Guess I’m bloooooooming with grace. 🤣